It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
You Might Also Like
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
This makes total sense…
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]