I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
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sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Welcome
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I know
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.