Ok, but like, how married are you?
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*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.