DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Not😆🤣
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.