Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
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Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.