I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
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4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.