maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
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[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
An odd boast
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Have a lovely day 😊
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks