So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
shut up and take my money
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now