Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
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If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.