You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of