I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Ha
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’