Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
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9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
#parenting
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee