Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
water it, i dare you
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
*offers Batman cough drops*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”