me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.