How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.