Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
According to math, I’m broke
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Brother?
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.