New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Kermit goes Blue.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
absolutely not
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Its a hippotatomus