You Might Also Like
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!