[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
no their not
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*