Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
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I don’t make the rules sorry
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you