Get in loser we’re going crying
You Might Also Like
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Catercrombie & Fish
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”