“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.