“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this