Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
You Might Also Like
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
If I ignore life will it go away?
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”