Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
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I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now