Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
You Might Also Like
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop