“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
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friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Did my cat write this
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN