TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
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If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine