[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .