when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery