I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
You Might Also Like
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
me, too, girl. me, too.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far