doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me in tagged photos
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
#TopTip
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”