Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
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midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
File under excellent bookstore names.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess