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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Every damn time
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here