My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
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Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.