“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong