Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
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My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
absolutely not
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.