Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
You Might Also Like
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
The dark side of Canada
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u