in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
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Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.