Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
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My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Baller is short for ballerina
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?