Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
HOW DARE YOU