If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
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We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey