My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.