[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
You Might Also Like
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Kids: Stay in school.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink