It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades