When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?