They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
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My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.