I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.