john wicks are toilet candles
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet