genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how